Book Review: The Shack

The Shack by William Paul Young

I liked the book and its ability to give me something to think about. It challenged the way I thought about things and opened up new possibilities. How would I live my life if someone I love was murdered? What would I say if God showed up for some one on one time? This book gives you a view of what one person went through after both things happen to them. The ability to love is just as much a part of the fabric of our lives as is the other emotions humans are troubled with. Yet there is a haunting beauty about the story that makes well worth the read and everything it brings up. What portraits this book might for you is up to decide. For me, it was one of beauty and joy and worth a second read later on down the road.

Therapy Woes

It could’ve gone worse I would say. Why is it that I forget what I want to discuss when I get there? I knew what it was moments before and then wham it’s gone. Is this normal? Do others do this? Now all I feel is intense rage at myself for forgetting. My pacing has increased and luckily there is no one around to lash out at. Do I sound like a tired four year old or is it just me? Sometimes I wonder why I started therapy to begin with? What do I want to accomplish and why is it that I feel I am getting no where? How do you know when you are getting somewhere? What is your thoughts on therapy? Is talking helpful to you? Any thoughts are welcome as always. Take care of you always.

Blank Emotions

That’s how I have been feeling like a blank slate waiting for the emotions to write themselves. I am on Prestiq and Invega and I like both to a point. I have noticed some things have diminished while others seem to have grown. My best friend is driving me more insane than usual and there is little I can do about but be there for her. 

It has been the anniversary of my step father’s death and it seems like it was just yesterday. I feel a burden here and am waiting on SSI to deny me. I am also looking for work that I can do without getting overly stressed out. It’s a small town and so within walking distance there isn’t much let alone anything hiring. It depresses me but I know either way something will come about. I have to keep positive about everything. I have been drawing a lot lately and trying to read again. I am reading 1984 which I had never read before. I can’t say that I do or don’t like it yet. It is like everything else and I do it in spurts. A few minutes drawing, reading, smoking, pacing, and so forth. Otherwise I don’t feel much of anything about anything. Weird but logical in some fashion.

No Carb Creamer and Diabeties

I drink coffee as if I might never have it again. That being said I use a non-dairy creamer since the sugar free tends to be more expensive and you don’t get as much. Warning: it raised my sugar from 93 to 311. So if you are diabetic and find your sugar raises with your coffee it probably is the creamer. Just an fyi for you and me as well. So now with my insulin I am trying to find a happy medium so that I don’t lose the drink I love so much nor have severe highs. 

Update

Sorry I haven’t been here in a month of sundays. 

In August not only had a car accident but my notebook died. It has taken me a while to work on the diabetic thing and it hasn’t gone as well as I hoped. I also started therapy and new meds. I think they are leaning towards Schizophrenia. I can’t blame them I guess. Had a great Christmas and Thanksgiving with family. Also been sick off and on since then. So I will try to be here more. Knock on wood. I guess the saying shit happens applies here. Take care of you always.

Some Art and More

I do not qualify for disability though I did in 2003. So they will attemt to qualify me for SSI. I will keep my fingers crossed and try to remain positive on it. My sugar is very high after breakfast and I have cut out carbs to try to get it lower. So far it has not worked at all. I fear my non-dairy creamer in my coffee is to blame though it has no carbs to speak of. So a little frustrated but sooner or later it will come together.

So other than that the heat has returned to the summer weather we normally have. Yuck! Humid as Hades and the temps match it pretty well. I have to read with a magnifying glass now. Otherwise I could see nothing at all. I am worried that I might yet lose the little sight I have. Even writing this is a headache in so many ways. Yet I try and edit it once it is written entirely and to catch the mistakes. I can’t say that I do a great job so over look them if you can. Or not if you really can’t. The depression is the stress of current life and in time it will improve or so I hope. It is not as bad as it was.

Peace! Take care of you always! If you get knocked down always do your best to try again.
Moi!

Too Cute

My little kitten named Abby came home! I was overjoyed to see her again and check on her often. I wanted to show a picture I took of her and my mom’s dog Cosmo as they together. Cosmo thinks he is the kitten’s mother and growls when one of the other dogs gets near. It is too funny because he is all noise and no bite. lol!

My sugar has dropped too low so shaking like leaf in a hurricane. It is as they say no fun so I am going to let ya go and grab some sugar. don’t want it to get too low.

My Diabetic Journey and Life

I went to the doctor today for my appointment in dealing with my diabetes and decided to talk about my Bipolar as well. My depession had been very deep and with all the stress it is no surprise. I knew I needed the help in dealing with it. Knowing I needed help and not being upset about having to ask has been my own nightmare. This time I didn’t let me hold me back from getting me what i needed. I was honest and luckily a hospital stay wasn’t needed. I am and have been suicidal but I also know that I can’t do that to my Little Brother or my mom. They have had a rough year and they need me. I need them as well. I got to ask the questions about food and insulin that i needed to. My eyes are very bad right now and so please forgive the spelling. I can barely see this as I type it.

Someone once said that sometimes something good has to fall apart so that something better can come along. I have prayying for hope and today I found it. I left feeling heard and knowing that things would start turning around. I don’t why or how I feel it will just that I do. I also found out that I am under 200 pounds for the first time since before my son was born. I am eating better. My portions are still an issue but that won’t lawst forever. I also have been more active than I use to be. Overall I feel like a quarter of a million dollars. Soon to be ex-hubby can eat his heart out. Now I want to run into him. I want him to know I can and will survive what was thrown at me. That my future without him will be just fine and dandy!

The kitten in the photo above is now missing and presumed dead. We fear she and her sibling were gotten by coyotes. It is not for sure thing. There is always the hope that they might wander home again. Her sister we had named Abby and were going to bring her in after we got her to the vet. She had an infection in her eyes. So we cleaned them out and made sure she ate better. I loved on her as much as that poor feral kitten would stomach. lol! She disappeared before we could get her to the vet. The yard seems lonely without them attacking each other and anything else that caught their fancy. I miss my beagle Hawk terribly. I still cry when I see his picture yet I laugh when I think of his love for sliced pickles or sticks. How he hated birds because they kept stealing the pizza crust he was trying to bury. I could on but I don’t want to bore you.

I am still doing my own art thingy. Whatever you might want to call it. I enjoy it and so to me it’s just plain fun. I love looking at what other’s do pro or otherwise. It amazes me the amount of talent out there. I put a request for a digital camera since mine is basially dead. It is a site that people post items they no longer need and still have use in them. I am hoping that someone might have one they are not using because they might have bought a new one. I love taking pictures of flowers and whatever catches my eye. A camera using film would be too expensive for me to use right now. So keep your fingers crossed.

So beware! I will soon post some new art picts. lol I promise not a huge amount at least not all at once. So take a peek or pass it up. It is up to you. Peace be your journey!

2013 A Bad Year

This year has been thus far probably the worst year of my life. I could be wrong there were years that are incredibly close it seems. There are times that a little hope would mean the world to me. There are times I wish I could just crawl under a big rock and let it go at that.

January-Found out step dad’s cancer was terminal
Feb.-Step dad died
March-Husband tried to commit suicide and nearly succeeded.
April-Husband left suddenly and hasn’t spoken to me since May 5
May-Found out was being evicted and given two to three days to get out. Had to find my beloved Beagle a new home which I couldn’t find anyone to love or take him. Had to have a yard sale to sell as much as I could. That went badly really. Had to leave nearly everything I owned to live on my mother’s couch. In a seriously rural area there is no job prospects without a car or a way to a job. So the depression deepened dramatically.
June/July-My health and mental abilities dramatically grew worse. I was starting to drink large quanties of fluid and couldn’t quench the thirst. I drank a case of Mountain Dew in a day and a half. I didn’t realize that there might be something medically going on. I just figured moving a lot between inside and outside where the heat was at times furious. I went to my best friend’s house to dog sit and found my sugar didn’t register on the meter.
August-Turned down for disability for the second time. They said I didn’t qualify for since 1999. That is obvious bs since I recieved a notice in 2001 that I did qualify for it. I sent that paper in but never heard another word.

The Hospital was a diaster because I have no insurance. It was like being shot and they put a band aid on it. They treated the dehydration and got my sugar from 642 to 231. Then they told me drink lots of water, Gatorade, exercise, test my sugar twice a day, and let my doctor decide if I needed shots or pills. They gave me a prescription I couldn’t afford to fill. My best friend is a diabetic so via text she tried to help me lower it as close to normal as possible. She had left me two insulin pens and so that was what I had to use. If not for her I would have been in real trouble. Today was the first time it hit below 200 at 172. I am confused not knowing when to give myself a shot and how much. What foods to eat and what to stay away from. Some of it is common sense like Mountain Dew. Other things like fruit or veggies are not so easy. I have started googling and there is almost too much information so that is overwhelming especially since I cannot find what i truly need to know. The hospital had this information but decided it wasn’t worth trying to find the sheets. My best friend is really angry with them for how they treated me. She has insurance so she has been treated better. They didn’t hear what I was saying and that bothered me greatly. If a doctor will not hear what you are saying then why bother unless you scream. Which usually merits a psych moment. They would have sent me elsewhere I am sure on that part needed or not.

I am having a time when a little hope of some kind would mean so much to me. I know my family and friends are praying for me. I have been praying and maybe this is needed to toughen me up. To show me that I can get through things no matter how tough they get and that there is a rainbow of hope just waiting for me to see it. I am afraid of what September might bring. I fear the shoe that has yet to quit bashing me in the head so to speak.

I hope things are better for you. If you can please keep me a tiny bit in your prayers. It would mean a lot. I hope today brings a small amount of peace to everyone’s life. A breathe sometimes is all we have to get through our day!

Thanks!

Mental Illness Stigma

Mental Health and Illness stigma is not easy to overcome. Those who suffer from mental issues have it coming from several different directions such as In the home, within themselves, society, and friends and/or family. Hearing everyday or close to it that you just need to pull yourself up by bootstraps or to just get over it. That any abuse in your life was long ago enough that you need to just forget about it and quit using it like a crutch.

In my own life I have seen those I love act as if Mental Illness was an outfit you could just take off. That it is up to you whether you have mental problems or not. Therapy is for those with too much money and time on their hands. The list goes on and on like a horrible treadmill.

How can we improve the view we have of ourselves when those around us when even those we love try to keep the images falsey alive? What do you do when a similar situation approaches you? And how can we kick the stigma within ourselves and those we might never meet?